


Why

by NeonMidnightMod



Category: wrestling - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-21
Updated: 2009-10-21
Packaged: 2017-10-02 13:11:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonMidnightMod/pseuds/NeonMidnightMod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 1 of The Heartbreak Trilogy. R; language, mention of m/m, serious angst.</p><p>Dec 1991. After filming the Rockers' break-up on the Barber Shop, Marty finds a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why

**Author's Note:**

> Maintainer note: The author of this story is Guenhwyvar, fic originally archived with permission at Neon Midnight (geocities.com/dedicatedtotherockers)

Marty,

Writing this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I know you heard that it was my idea to break up the team, and not Vince's. I know you probably hate me right now, but please hear me out. I need to try and explain why.

 

It was because of that night. The one we never talked about.

 

I think there might have been a lot of things we could blame that night on - the drink, the curiosity, whatever - but it happened.

 

I don't know when it started. We'd always been close. Working, travelling, training together. Partying. We sure had some wild times. Some wild girls, too. Maybe it changed the time we both got stood up. I know you remember it as well as I do, how we got so wasted, and I ended up telling you I'd never have stood you up. You laughed, and smiled, and told me that you wouldn't stand a sexy guy like me up either. Maybe you didn't mean for it to sound the way it did, and we just laughed it off. After all, we were both drunk, no reason for it to mean anything.

 

We both know now that was bullshit.

 

After that, I could help but feel - pleased, I guess - that you found me attractive. I started thinking way too much. You always told me I thought too much, didn't you? You don't know how right you were. When we were training and doing shows all the time it wasn't so bad, with other things to occupy my mind, but there were always those quiet moments when I'd catch myself thinking of you in ways I shouldn't. I mean, we were both strait as arrows, we had girls all over us, what reason could I have for thinking the way I did. Why, once, when I saw you kissing that blonde, did I wonder what it'd be like to kiss you? To touch your face like she did. You smiled at her. You're so beautiful when you smile. I wanted you to make you smile like that.

 

You didn't see her again. You told me it just didn't work out. I didn't believe you. You knew I didn't believe you, but we left it there.

 

I could see it in your eyes, you know. I'd catch you looking at me, and you'd look away. The same way I did when you caught me looking at you.

 

And we never spoke about it, did we? Not that it would have made a damn bit of difference. We decided without ever talking that okay, we were curious, that's fine, a lot of guys get curious, it was normal. But, of course, there was no way we'd ever act on it. We both knew what happened to Rick, spat and sworn at in the street, called a fucking fag, just for being a guy who preferred guys. Seeing him in the hospital beaten half to death when that gang got hold of him. That wouldn't be us, no way was that worth it just to see what it was like. We liked girls, and that was it.

 

But it wasn't any good, because it wasn't about being curious, was it? It was about us.

 

Strangely, I can't really remember quite how it happened. One night, much like any other. We were slightly drunk, laughing and fighting over the TV remote, then we were kissing.

 

I couldn't think of anything else right then except the feeling of your lips on mine. I've never known a kiss to be so sweet and mean so much. I remember pulling you into my arms as we fell onto the bed. It seemed like we spent hours just kissing and touching, tasting each other. It felt so natural, like we were made only for each other. Then when we made love, when you took me and I took you, it was more than just our bodies and physical pleasure. It felt like our souls were joined. Waking up in your arms seemed like the most normal thing in the world.

 

Then it all hit us, didn't it? What we'd done, what that made us and what it meant.

 

I could see the love in your eyes, and I know you could see it in mine.

 

I love you. Damn me to hell for it, but I love you, and damn you for loving me back. Damn us both because we can't have the life we want. But that wasn't going to stop you trying. I can't let you throw away everything you've worked for and all your dreams because of me. Even though we stopped talking and gone out of our way to avoid each other, I still know you. I know you'd do something stupid and I couldn't bear to stand by and do nothing. You'd tell the world if you could, just for a chance for us to be together but it can't happen. I couldn't stand to see people who you would think are your friends turn their backs on you, or worse, see you end up laid out in the hospital, because that's what happened to Rick. It would kill me inside. It would destroy both of us.

 

That's why I did it. I asked Vince to split us up. I made up some bullshit or other about us not getting on, which everyone believes anyway because since that night we've hardly said two words to each other. Everyone thinks we had a fight. We should let them carry on believing it. Now that the team is over we can't be seen together anyway, you know how it is. We've managed the last couple of months on-screen without talking, if we can just get through the next couple while our feud pans out, then maybe there's a chance we can start to move on with our lives.

 

That sounds so easy, when you're feeling like your heart has just been ripped out. I know that's how you're feeling right now. I feel the same. It hurts more than anything but it has to be this way.

 

I'm so sorry for doing this. I pray to whatever God is listening that one day you can forgive me. But I had to tell you. I can't ever lie to you. I won't and I never will forget the one perfect night we had, and I don't regret it because it's all we're ever going to have, and it's never going to be enough.

 

Always,

Shawn.


End file.
